the little travelers * travel blog

play

There is very little to me in this world that is more satisfying than watching children engaged in real play.  Play that stems from their own imaginations with the resources available to them.  We are currently staying at my mother's house.  A suburban palace in the middle of the desert.  The backyard has one very humiliated tree shaved into the shape of a mushroom and zillions of sharp rocks.  It's called waterless landscaping and is horribly depressing to me.  Never the less the girls find a way to use what's available for their play.  Right now they're really into the American Girl Kaya books so native American play is often the theme.  Here they are preparing a 'meal' which requires grinding grain with rocks.

I believe that this is why it is so important to choose wisely that which children are exposed to.  When choosing books or even movies or TV programs, I make sure that what I choose allows children to 'play into' the stories.  Many modern books do not leave room for this.  Think of the very popular children's book, "No, David!"  Ok, it's a theme most kids can relate to and I get the  point of the book, but in my opinion it does nothing to 'feed' a child's mind.  I like to think of books as food.  I would consider that book candy.  It is fine for a certain occasion but it certainly holds no nutritional value.  The books that I consider brown rice are ones that leave room for children to enter them and then take them into their play.  Some of the Elsa Beskow books like The Children of the Forest and Woody, Hazel and Little Pip were these for my kids in the early years and now some of the American Girl books are that way.  The Molly series to me was so-so, more like white rice, but the Kirsten, Addy and so far Kaya have been good solid nutrition in my book.  The Little House books spurred endless hours of playing last year and this past year we began our journey into Harry Potter, which I find extremely nutritious.  I know there was quite a bit of controversy over the books and my sibling's children were forbidden to read them so I began with a bit of hesitation.  I find them to be incredibly spiritual, thought provoking, archetypal in the best of ways and age and developmentally appropriate for 7 and older for the first book, over 9 for the next few and now we're on hold for a few years for book 5.  The girls have spent endless hours concocting potions in the sandbox, in their rooms, writing their own spell books and the conversations it's spurred.  A few months ago I was eavesdropping on them while in the bath:

Big sister- "If you could be a good witch or a bad witch, which would you choose?"

Little sister-  "Can you turn people into funny things like a frog if you're a good witch?"

Big sister- "I don't think so."

Little sister- "Then bad for sure because I want to turn (enter cousin's name) into a toad!"

Big sister' "I would want to be a good witch so I could turn (enter cousin's name) into a nice girl."

These are really big moral ideas they're grappling with here.   I don't know much about High School Musical and haven't seen any of it, but know really young kids are really into it.  I doubt very much that watching something like that would spur the same conversations in children 6 and 8 years old.  

I know so many people that do not have good story books in their homes.  I'll go to the shelf to choose a book and find lots of naming books- like dinosaurs or books that are more like dictionaries.  Those are fine if there are also stories, but often I find that's not the case.  Stories feed children's souls.  I like to encourage people to check the nutritional value of their book shelves.  Do the stories have warm images that are nourishing to the senses?  Do they have archetypal characters?  Do they leave room to play into them?  Do you feel inwardly satisfied after reading it?  If so, then I'd say it was nutritionally dense and worthy of keeping on the shelf.   

The 9 year change

I recently purchased The 9 year change; Leaving the Garden cd from Waldorf in the Home.   I have never ordered a dvd or cd from them without being very pleased with the content of the material presented.  This time was no different.  If you have a child in a Waldorf school and had the teacher talk in the 3rd grade then this cd will likely not present anything beyond what was offered by that teacher.  If however, you have not had that talk, I highly recommend this cd.  If you've never even heard of the nine year change and have a child 8 to 10 years old I would really, really recommend it!  

It was interesting as I was reading Eat, Pray, Love last year and heard the author's description of her own nine year change, though she didn't know it.  The change is real and if those around us know what's going on it could be such a smoother transition.  Waldorf schools address the changes through their curriculum.  For example, they learn house building, how to grow their own food and learn stories from the Old Testament during this time.  This addresses their need to know that they can survive on their own.  They are moving away from being so reliant on their parents and are developing ideas and opinions of their own.  This often shows up in comments like, "Why are you wearing that?"  "Why did you mix those flowers together in the vase?"  "Why did you choose that vase?  It doesn't even match the flowers."  And the all too common, "Are you sure you're my parent and I"m not adopted?"  

As with all the developmental stages, I find it extremely helpful to know what's going on so I don't take things personally- or worse project certain characteristics onto her other parent by thinking, "Oh, she's just like her dad- so critical."  It's just a normal stage.  

As a Child Development Specialist I learned all about the stages of development in undergrad and grad school.  Most focused on the early years and very little was spent on the middle or later years.  "The Nine Year Change" is unheard of.  Once I wandered into the wonderful world of Waldorf I heard about it constantly.  I was definitely intrigued, but the more I learned, the more wisdom I found in their teachings.

There's also a great article here on the subject.

cooperative games

I'm always a bit surprised by how many people ask me, "What's a cooperative game?" when it comes up in the conversation.  Cooperative games are games where all the players play towards a common goal to win the game, as opposed to  a competitive game where players are opponents ending the game with one winner and the others as losers.  I think many of us have had the experience of playing Chutes and Ladders with a child  where the child is suddenly sent all the way back to the beginning of the board from near the top and bursts into tears.  Even as an adult I would sometimes have a pretty strong reaction to being sent all the way back usually resulting in a silent curse against the stupid spinner or card.  It feels so random and unfair- and really it is.  I remember hating that feeling as a child and only feeling good about the game when I was the winner. 

So what is it that makes us so competitive in this country?  Why is it so hard for us to cooperate with each other.  There are so many areas where we are taught that competition is 'healthy' and good for us.  But is it?  Capitalism is based on competition.  But it is driven by fear.  Fear of lack.  Fear that someone else will have more, leaving me with less.  Fear of not being on top.  Fear of not winning.  The very fear that creeps up when drawing a card during a game of Candy Land when that lollipop- or whatever is that sends you right back to the beginning.  Many people say, "It's good for kids to learn how to deal with disappointment at an early age." and I've even seen parents scold their children when they're disappointed while playing one of these games and even punish them for crying, yelling at them and sending them into a time out.   The whole scene seems rather absurd when the point of games is supposed to be FUN!  

What if we all taught our children that 'winning' meant everyone getting what they want and not contingent upon someone else losing?  What if our children considered their opponents happiness as much as their own.  What if our children grew up celebrating another's 'win.'  What if our children didn't see others as opponents at all, but partners in getting what they wanted -people they need to work with rather than against.  What a world it would be. 

For the holidays this year please consider giving the gift of a cooperative game rather than an competitive game.  There are lots to choose from at our Amazon store that are definitely worth checking out.  Not surprisingly, many are made in Canada.

the gift of silence

Often in the car we listen to books on tape these days.  The girls are always so eager to get back to their stories that the instant we get into the car I hear, 'Turn it on.'  When one of them is not in the car we don't listen to it because then the other child would be off.  These days the big sister is the one who rides in the car with no story after we've dropped the little sister off at school.  But today I picked the little sister up without big sister so we had a 1/2 hr car trip with no story or radio on and here are just some of the things that I heard on the way home:

"Did you know that 5+5+5+5+5+5=30?"

"I drew my best picture ever today.  And I made an almost perfect magenta heart."

"Why did you pack those disgusting crackers in my lunch?  They make me feel like barfing when I eat them."

"If you were born without a jaw would you rather be born with your mouth open or closed?"  (Honestly, this kind of freaked me out!  What kind of question is that??)  

I replied, "Open so I could at least pour liquid into my mouth."

She responded, "I would choose closed for sure because it's easier to talk with your mouth closed."

(Ummm...ok???)

Then we went into a long game of trying to guess what she was saying with her mouth closed.  I scored a perfect zero.  Then the next game went into her holding her mouth open with her fingers so her jaw couldn't move and again the guessing game continued.  I scored about 80% on this one.  So, she started rethinking the part about it being easier to talk with your mouth closed.  

As odd as the conversations were that took place they did help me to know her a little more.  If the radio were on this could've never taken place.  Even though we do love our stories these days- We are in the middle of Prince Caspian right now and loving it- it was a lovely treat to listen to a little bit of steam of consciousness escaping from the little sister.  Also, that big sister was not there to interrupt, over-power or laugh at her made a big difference.  The whole rest of the evening I felt closer to her and also kept wondering, "I wonder what she's got on her mind now?"  It just takes a few minutes for us to tune into someone else's life and point of view to see them a little differently and when that's our own child it's particularly rewarding.

strong willed children

After yoga class I had a special session with the teacher.  He wanted to help me prepare for an upcoming workshop so he explained that he would put on some music and I should "'dance 100%."  He is a non-native English speaker so speaks in short commands.

"You mean right now?" I mutter.

"Yes.  100%"

So he blasts this techno music and I make feeble dancing motions mortified at once again getting myself into something where I'm thinking, "Why?  How?  How can I leave right now???"  Keep in mind we're in a strip mall, neon lights overhead and he's sitting on the floor watching me."  Mortifying on every level.

He stops the music and says, "How do you feel?"  I'm panting, dry mouthed and mumble, "I feel like an idiot."  

He tells me I'm living my life focused on what others think of me.  I need to let go.  Focus on myself and let go.  "Don't you want to be free?"  

This is the question that always does it for me.  So I muster my strength and say, 'what the hay!'  and give it a go.  He puts on the music, I close my eyes, turn my back to him and transport myself to Klub Amadeus in Austria when I was 16 years old and under the influence of a few Jaeggermeisters.  That's probably the last time I let loose to blasting techno beats.  Sure enough I relax into it and let myself go.  He stops the music and I'm completely energized, not panting, could dance forever.  I'm feeling pretty proud of myself at this point. 

Then he says, "Now open eyes and look my face and dance 100%."  Crud.  Just when I was feeling good.  I give it my best but do not succeed in dancing 100% while he's watching.  I stop and am winded, need water and feel like a fool.  Then he says, "See how much energy you spend each day focused on what others think of you?"  Yes, I do.  It was quite clear that although I tend to pride myself in not living my life for what others think of me that clearly I do much more than I realized.  He says to me, "You have a weak will.  Needs to be stronger." 

 Will.  That word that is used so often in the young years in Waldorf.  As a preschool teacher this was often the talk I would have most with the parents.  It is so popular these days to say, "My child is strong willed."  as an excuse for inappropriate behavior.  No, your child is weak willed.  In Waldorf schools the young years are all about building a strong will.   That is why children are asked to sit down at snack time rather than run around with food in their hand.  It is building will.  For them to sit during story is an act of will.  It is not meant for classroom management and crowd control in the little years, it is rather to help the children build a strong will so later in life they can be truly free.  The very freedom I'm after in middle age.

It is a popular parenting practice these days to allow toddlers to do as they please all the time.  They don't sit at the table for meals, but rather meals are something that children hang onto as they cruise around the house often while watching TV or on the go in the car.  Many children started with me at age 2 and had no idea how to drink out of a cup!  They'd only had sippy cups up to that point.  Drinking from a cup is an excellent exercise in will  training starting at around 15 months.  By 18 mo's it is appropriate to have children at their own seat at the table with plate, glass and spoon and fork.  Getting food onto the spoon is an act of will forces.

Parents these days so often feel like making impositions on their children to sit and eat and the like are going to 'crush their spirit.'  They feel like it will make them robotic and turn them into obedient followers.  I totally get that as we're coming off of a previous generation that did want that.  However, the big missing link here is that by not giving your child any opportunity for building a strong will and letting them run wild with no boundaries it is not giving them the building blocks to become truly free.  They will not have the will forces later in life to be able to focus on what they really want if they've been running here and there their whole lives.  It is unrealistic to think that at a certain age they will suddenly get it together and focus on what they've set their mind on. We never want to come at a small child with aggressive or exasperated energy scolding, 'Sit down right now and eat!"  That certainly will crush a child's spirit.  But guiding them gently back to the table saying, 'We sit down when we eat." while helping them back into their chair engaging our own will at the same time.  It is not enough to sit at the table and talk at, coerce, bribe or threaten the child when they get up:  "If you don't sit back down you will not get any desert."  Not helpful to the young child.  Simply stand up, gently take them by the hand and  lead them back to the table.  If it's new it might take 10 to 20 times for one meal.  This is my first week with a new 2 year old at preschool.  By the second week they usually sit just fine during a 30 minute snack.  Some take longer, some shorter.  

When we offer a rhythm to do the day of focused activities like mealtimes and perhaps a story and then long periods of free play where they are able to focus their own energies on creating- it is giving them the foundation for that strong will.  If the child's day is spent riding in the car, watching TV, going on errands and playing with toys that play on their own after turning them on, that child is at a huge disadvantage to those who have been given the opportunity to focus their energies at one thing at a time.  

Great will building activities for children:

washing dishes

folding laundry

dusting

putting toys away after playing- certainly at night before sleeping

sweeping

sitting down for meals

listening to a story

painting with intention- this means not just making a mess with paints, but preparing the painting area with water and rag, good quality paintbrush, not little plastic one that smears paint rather than 'paints.' --and completing an entire paper- not just a few strokes and moving to a clean sheet.

molding clay

handwork- can be simple when young- a large needle and burlap in an embroidery hoop up to two needle knitting at 6 or 7 years and up.

woodwork- sanding and sawing for older kids

All these real work activities used to be part of our daily lives and now take a little more effort to incorporate.  But getting rid of a TV frees up a ton of time.  Watching TV weakens will forces tremendously.  

A strong will is something that we all need throughout our lives.  At nearly 40 it is obviously something I still need to work on daily.  It is never too late to start. We want strong willed children and we need strong willed adults to build a healthy world.  It takes a strong will not to overspend, over-eat, over-drink, over-sleep, over indulge in gossip, materialism and cynicism.  

when grandma ain't green

So my little tiny 5 lb baby has grown into a 9 year old!  I really cannot stand it sometimes.  This is the year where everything changes.  My fall from grace should technically happen this year.  This is the year where they discover that they have their own opinions that may differ considerably from my own.  Am I ready?  Will she someday feel towards me as I do my mother?  My mom, who in her full enthusiasm for birthdays shows up with a big bunch of mylar balloons that will be with us for every after?  They will never decompose and contribute in their own little way to the further destruction of the planet.  She gives them with love and excitement and my daughter receives them with love and enthusiasm.  And there I am in the middle trying my hardest to join their joy, yet feel outside of it because of stupid balloons!  Will my daughter someday look at me like this?  Will I do things that I couldn't imagine would be offensive to her and be completely oblivious to it all, as my mother is?  I mean, this is a very happy balloon!  The very idea that it could possibly evoke anything but pure joy would be shocking to my mom.  What will my balloons be in my relationship with my daughter?  Will our relationship be healthy enough for her to share those ideas and feelings with me?  Will I respond defensively or will I be able to receive her point of view neutrally?   If I said anything to my mom a major row would ensue.  She would tell me I've always been too complicated, think too much about things, ungrateful, how I suck the joy out of things, etc and top it off with a good long silent treatment.  What will I say to my daughter?  Will my words be 'appropriate' but my energy menacing?  Will I be hurt?  Angry?  Sad?  Joyful that she felt safe to tell me?  Completely neutral because our relationship is healthy and I understand she is not me, nor I her?  Time will tell, but I know which one I'm rooting for!

The change is definitely starting and I'm hearing, "That's not how you do it." and "Why are you doing it like that?"  a lot lately.  "Because that's how I do it.  You can do it any way you like."  is what I'm finding myself saying a lot right now.  My mom never offered that option. But will that be enough to keep our relationship intact in the long run?  who knows...  But for right now she still holds my hand when we walk anywhere, still asks me to do her hair because, 'you do it better',  crawls in my lap after dinner, believes in faeries, santa and the easter bunny and kisses me goodnight.  I doubt I'll be able to list half those things a year from now, but if I can hang onto even one of them I'll still be a lucky mom.

when the tooth fairy forgets...

The sound of giggles coming from down the hall- usually such a sweet way to wake up.  Until that awful revelation that the toothless child has woken up before me and I went to bed too late with my head too full of other stuff to remember that a tooth was lost today.  So the mad dash to the wallet for a 'golden coin' (Susan B. Anthony), reach to the top shelf of the closet for a dash of fairy dust (proof that it was a real fairy and not me) and a run down the hall are followed by leaping onto the child with a huge hug- one arm sliding under the pillow and kiss on the cheek.  The child looks up and begins the story of how the tooth fairy left  nothing!  So I say, "let's look together."  And upon lifting the pillow the golden coin is laying there and the tooth has been knocked on the floor behind the bed that will need to be retrieved later.  Barely safe, once again.  I hate to admit how many times this has happened to me over the last few years.  Each time I berate myself for not being present enough and being too frazzled to remember the little things.  At this point I'm just glad most teeth are already out.  Between the two of the girls last year we were having weekly visits at one point.  

The little sister also just turned 7.  For those familiar with the 7 year wonder book it is such a magical and wonderful thing to do for your child- if you can remember!  The book has these little stories each night and then the child leaves out their 'wonder book' - a blank artists pad.  The little gnomes come at night to draw a picture from the story and the child wakes to find it next to their bed.  This is an incredibly magical and wonderful thing to do for your child.  If you remember.  But the horror of two little girls coming down the hall with 2 blank notebooks in the morning is near unbearable.  "Why didn't they come?"  "Maybe we didn't say it right?" (There's a little verse you say to invite the gnomes).  And so the next night we'd try again and they would say the verse louder with all their might and lay out the book again.  Then I'd be sitting up half asleep writing little poems and drawing pictures that would take me an hour to do both.  A few weeks into it I hid the book and the journals!  I was feeling so overwhelmed by the process that all the magic was lost for me.  I wish I would've done it, but sometimes I think you just need to cut your losses and move on.  A few days after the little sister's birthday she said, "I wonder if I'll get a 7 year wonder book?"  My stomach lurched and I replied in a near whisper, "hm... I wonder..."