Congratulations to Kim our winner for the cooperative game Save the Whales. Thank all of you for your fantastic ideas! I love real life mommy ideas that just open up new ways of thinking or simple things to do- whether that's calling getting your hair brushed "girl time" and making is special to sending each other love notes. I've found over the years it is really the connecting we do with family members that brings a higher level of cooperation. I loved the mom that wrote just spending time in the same room connects them- absolutely!
I have a friend right now whose girls are 6 and 8 and she complains often to me that her girls are so competitive and are constantly trying to out-do each other. Yet, at the same time she had these girls in sports at age 2. And each time it was time to clean up their toys she'd say, "Let's see who can pick up 10 things first!" She thought she was making it fun for them and turning it into a game, but at the time she was setting them up from the beginning to make life competitive. When you look at the contrast to instead singing a clean-up song all together and working together until all items are back in their place. This is a relaxing activity of bringing order to a room. Outer order that fosters inner order- all family members working together to bring order in a relaxed manner. That's very different than the mom watching the two girls running all over the place trying to 'beat' each other. Some things like this seem so simple and I find are so easy to fall into a trap of 'great mommy tricks.' We have always had a rule at our house that everyone cleans up together at the end of a playdate leaving the room in order. We do it at other people's house and I have the same expectation that it happens at our house as well. And let's say this does not always go over well with a rushed parent wanting to leave when their child throws a fit because they don't want to clean up. "We all clean up together." is all I say. Often the other mom would move into bribery, threats and this particular friend always turned it into a race. And in her house the playroom was never left in order because she thought 10 items was reasonable. So it was always 10 items all thrown into a communal toybox rather than the 'everything in its place, and a place for everything.' Chaos breeds chaos. These girls fight more than any other siblings I know and now that they're getting older she calls to complain about it regularly. Yet at the same time she has never been willing to make small changes to her parenting style that would foster a greater sense of cooperation, yet that word is used constantly- often in shouting form- Girls! You need to cooperate!" yikes.
I like to always ask myself, "Will this foster a greater sense of connection?" when choosing not only activities but also sometimes handling discipline. Of course my girls sometimes fight with each other but I do not have the same issues of competitive behavior between them. This friend's girls are already comparing who's prettier and thinner- at 6 and 8! Of course they're immersed in pop culture, which contributes to all of that- but I would be mortified if I heard that from my girls!
A mistake I made when the girls were little was at the end of the day during our night time routine I would ask them, "What was your favorite thing today?" I had a very dear mentor of mine point out that that was also fostering that competitive spirit of one thing being better than the next. Particularly at a young age, kids do not think like this naturally. I did notice that the girls were hardly ever able to answer the question, yet it didn't stop me from asking it every night! Even now at ages 7 and 9 they don't really like that question. After a trip of ours -it is the most asked question to them, "What did you like best about the trip?" And well meaning people often ask, "Which country did you like best?" They are very irritated by this question and usually say, "I don't know." Then in private they'll say, "Why do people always ask us that? It's not like Japan was funner than Ireland- they're just different." Yes, exactly. Most of us parents do not want to foster that sense in our children of constantly comparing themselves to others, yet doesn't the question, "What's your favorite..." really instill that. So many 'kids activities' - even on menus in restaurants are constantly asking for favorite ice-cream, number, color- and on and on. I don't know about you, but I have never truly had a favorite color- it depends on my mood. A favorite number has always been a completely bizarre concept to me and also ice-cream. I LOVE variety so if I got Jamoca Almond Fudge last time then I'll pick Butter Pecan the next, which actually sounds really good right now! mmm. Anyway, the point being it is so easy to have little bits of competition - in an unhealthy sense- sneak into our everyday lives without even being aware of it.
I know many of you have young children at home and are 'storing' ideas for the future. One idea that I stored for over 10 years comes from Stephen Covey from a book I had to read in grad school. He wrote about his family having group bowling scores. The whole family would play for a combined score that they would try to beat the next time they played it. This can be modified into lots of games that are typically competitive. Now my girls are finally old enough to bowl and we're loving this idea!
