cultural mothering

I've finally started to edit my footage from Iran.  The girls are away this week and I've been locked in a  room finally getting my first glimpse at what I shot.  In our past travels we were always in living arrangements where we had a TV hook-up so I would view my footage each night knowing exactly what I shot.  This trip was completely different.  Until two days ago I had absolutely no idea what I had captured and less than half of the footage I normally come home with.  But after my missing luggage scare I was happy to have anything!- not sure I mentioned it before, but as we were leaving Iran I'd heard scary stories about video footage being confiscated at the airport.  I struggled with which option to pack my precious footage in- carry on or checked.  In normal situations I would always keep it with me- a no brainer.  But this was different.  I mentioned I did not obtain a media visa and I did shoot things I technically wasn't supposed to and had been asked to stop shooting quite a few times and, well..I kept my camera on while over my shoulder after being asked to turn it off a few times.  So, in the end I chose checked baggage - each tape wrapped up inside a pair of socks.  That was fine until we arrived in Minneapolis where we needed to go through customs and my suitcase was not there.  I did everything in my power to not completely flip out for the next two and a half days until finally the suitcase was located and all my footage was packed away as neatly as ever.  such stress!

So, now it's been fun to look through it all and relive the trip from another angle.  It is an entirely different experience.  As one very wise commenter wrote on one of those contest comments that she's sure the dvd will be entirely different from my account of the trip.  As I edit I let go of all of my adult ideas and concepts and just really focus on the children's perspective.  It's a weird thing because I often enjoy the dvds more than the actual trip.  They are very fun to put together as none of the real work of travel is involved.  I don't have to endure the 8 hour car trip with no leg room and the heater on with the windows rolled up while I edit.  I'm left with only the images and the sounds that I want to keep - everything else ends up in the electronic trash can.

So, now the point of my post.  As I was watching back on our first day in Tehran with our first guide- a woman in her 20's who is not yet a mother I was stuck by the common parenting approach we shared.  Not spoken, we did not talk about it- but yet when we watched the girls climbing around on this concrete fountain thing she did not tell them to be careful or micromanage them, but she watched them- as I do.  When one almost fell but then caught herself we both looked at each other and smiled a smile of relief.  But we did not interfere with the girls.  This very small rather insignificant moment was startling to me because that hardly ever happens to me here in this country.  Usually, the scenario  would include another mother looking at me like I'm nuts with a "aren't you going to tell them to get down?" look on her face.  Or she would be shouting at her own children to get down or not climb on it or my favorite- when a child does get hurt start shouting at them, "I told you to be careful!"  Excellent  advice.

My point here is that in our country we do not have a common mothering culture.  We rarely tend to parent similar to other mothers around us and therefor don't seem to have a common connection to other mothers.  It is a rare instance when I can share a smile and a gesture with a mother at a park that says, "I know how you feel."  Sometimes I will look to a mother with a tantruming toddler wanting to just smile at her in a way that says, "I've been there."  but rarely will that woman look at me for fear that she is being judged.  I think it has much to do with our societies focus on competitiveness that drives much of this.  If my children aren't in the middle of a tantrum and yours are that must mean that I'm winning at being a parent and you are losing.  There really is not a sense of common ground in most cases.  Within our own small groups sometimes that spirit of 'in it together' does emerge, but I'm talking about with strangers in the park or the grocery store.

This also struck me on our plane ride from Tehran to Amsterdam.  There was a young mother with a baby traveling alone and she had so many offers to assist with the baby on that flight.  Every woman over the age of 30 on that plane seemed to offer their assistance to her.  Here's the clincher- especially when that baby was crying!  This is in stark contrast to the flight we had from Minneapolis to Phoenix where there were quite a few babies on board and all I heard were derogatory remarks towards these babies and their bad luck in having to sit near one.  That was this flight experience.  I've also had the experience with the little sister spending an entire 5 hour flight away from us because she was a happy 9 month old and everyone wanted a turn to play with her.  But would those same people have been around if she was a screamer?

Why are we so reluctant to help out another mom- or is the question, why are we so reluctant to receive help from another mother here in this country?  Other western countries like Germany are even worse.  I was once in line at a check-out when a baby began to cry and a few people in line started scolding the mother telling her she should leave the store with her crying baby and come back in to pay when her baby has stopped crying!  yikes.  What drives these cultural norms?  And more importantly, what can each of us mothers do to make a more compassionate mothering culture in our own little neck of the woods?